For as long as I can remember, I wanted to grow up and be a mom. I remember playing baby dolls and Barbies and pretending I was the mom and nurturing and loving on my toys. I had a Cabbage Patch Doll that was my favorite. Her name was Ashley. I carried her around all the time. She now resides in Claire's bedroom. I was a mom in training for as long as I can remember!
When Blake and I got married, we both knew we wanted children at some point. He has always said he wanted 2 children, and I have always said I wanted 4. The verdict is still out on that.
Not everyone knows that when Blake and I started trying to start our family, things just didn't go as planned. I won't go into a great amount of detail, but after months and months of trying to have a baby...there was no baby. I remember we were trying to keep this secret to ourselves and the questions came...So, when are you going to have a baby? Aren't you ready to have a baby yet? That was so hard.
Blake and I prayed and prayed that God would give us a baby. I finally changed doctors after very little concern from the doctor I was seeing at the time, and this new doctor (Dr. Childs) did a lot of tests and ultrasounds to see what was going on. My body wasn't ovulating. Kind of hard to have a baby without 1/2 of the reproductive cells needed to form a baby!
I began taking fertility medicines and hormones to trick my body into doing what it is made to do. I went to the doctor and had ultrasounds measuring follicles on my ovaries for several months...still no baby. We kept on praying, and my doctor said to try one more month of the fertility medicines, and then he wanted to try a different medicine. I remember this all happened around Mother's Day of 2007, and I remember Mother's Day was hard that year...I saw all these women with their sweet little ones, and I was really beginning to wonder if that was going to happen for Blake and me. We kept on praying and trusting God's plan.
Blake and I went on an impromptu Disney World trip at the end of May of 2007 (oh, the days of two incomes). We had such a great time, but realized I would need to start some of my medication while we were in Disney...it made me feel terrible, so we decided to skip the month of June give ourselves a mental break from Operation Baby.
I was sitting on the couch about 9:00 at night on July 7, 2007, and started doing some calculations, and realized there was a slight possibility I could be pregnant.....Blake felt sorry for me and thought I was crazy for heading to Walgreens to get a pregnancy test. Much to my surprise....it was POSITIVE! We were in total shock! Even funnier...we went to the doctor and I was 7 weeks pregnant.
I will spare the raw details of my pregnancy with Jackson, but it wasn't the easiest pregnancy in the world. I felt nauseous, tired, and all the other normal pregnancy physical symptoms, but I also experienced bleeding the entire pregnancy with him. I really don't remember even caring too much about all the pregnancy "yuck" because I knew that each meal I wanted to puke and every time I wanted to fall asleep at work meant my baby was still growing.
Until I could feel him kicking, I just never knew if he was okay or not. I went to the doctor every week to have an ultrasound or blood work to make sure he was still okay. It was so hard...every time they put the jelly on my tummy to do an ultrasound, I would just pray his little heart would still be beating. I seriously have no idea how many doctor visits we made during Jackson's 38 week tenure in my belly! Dr. Childs had no idea what caused it....it went on until the day I delivered him. I guess we will never know, and that is okay. God was so near during those days, as he still is today. He is so faithful. So awesome, and it really is so sweet to trust in Him.
The thing is I just knew that once I was holding Jackson safely in my arms the worrying would stop. Bless my poor naive heart! I love that boy so much, but God loves Jackson and Claire more than I ever will. With each passing day, they are becoming less reliant on me and becoming independent little people. I pray that I can point them to Him. I know I will continue to worry about my children as they sprout their wings, but I have to remember that they belong to Him, and I can't think of a better Father for my children.
This year for Mother's Day, I thank God for my mom. I thank God for my mother in law, and for my two sister in laws as they celebrate their first Mother's Day. I pray for those that are hurting on this day for many different reasons. I thank God for the amazing women He has put in my life to walk with on this path of raising and shepherding our children's hearts.
I thank God for making me a mother. Jackson and Claire, you are precious miracles, and I love you more than you will ever know.
Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Remember the day you stood before the LORD your God at Horeb, when he said to me, "Assemble the people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long as they live in the land and may teach them to their children."Deuteronomy 4:9, 10